Boring Hero

Many furry stories contain characters that always win and never lose, where villains are never a challenge and die in a hail of bullets or sword cuts or light saber flashes. The enemy may have only opened a window or farted, but since they said something that made the hero angry, the author says the hero is somehow justified in being a bully to someone who clearly poses no real threat.

The character Neil, from The Folly stories, is a prime example of this type of boring hero. Neil commands a gigantic fleet of hundreds upon thousands of "Zulus", small spaceships that can bang into helpless pirates and disable them, he is friends with everyone in the galaxy, he can read minds because he rescued a Chakat baby, he has millions of credits and owns several colonies, and if anything bad happens he always has a Rakshan god hanging around in his holideck. All his plans work out flawlessly, unless their failure results in a romantic interlude or something cute. In short, he is boring. To make matters worse, he is a Harry_The_Explainer, which is deadly.

Here is an example of his diplomatic immunity:

''The so-called ban had been lifted before the Folly had even had time to depart. As far as shi knew, all Neal had done was let a few people know that ‘due to the council’s displeasure’ he would not be making any more deliveries to Chakona. While a couple of businesses had complained, it was Star Fleet and the Star Corps that had caused the ban to be quickly lifted. They had not even asked about dropping the ban, they had merely asked why the Folly was being banned from Chakona space. Not willing to admit that a ship and her captain had been banned simply because a member of the council didn’t like him, the ban was reversed and officially reported as a clerical error.

“There have been some noises that shi wants you under someone’s control,” shi added. “But I don’t know how shi’s going to try to justify it.”

“Could be fun. I wonder who shi might have in mind. Surely not you.”

“Surely,” shi agreed. “One of hir minions no doubt.”

“Don’t fret little one, hir timing is as bad as ever,” Neal said, causing the younger guard to frown as he didn’t appear anywhere near old enough to be calling the councilor ‘little one’.

“I hope you’re right. Shi may also use your ‘corruption’ of certain members of the council as reasons for removal.”

“Including yourself?”

Wildflower nodded. “And some of those that helped you put together that first contact team.”

Neal hmmm-ed to himself for a moment. “Don’t worry about hir getting someone to take over my Folly, that’s a non-issue. As for the rest, is this a full session? Or just an informal one?”

“From what I could discover, informal. Why?”

“Then call your friends, as well as any non-friends that might not like hir doing questionable things behind their backs. This is the type of thing when even your foes can aid you.”

“What are you up to?” Wildflower asked as hir eyebrow rose.

The human’s smile was not a nice one, as he said, “ ‘It’s all on the wheel’ my dear, ‘it all comes around’.” With a warmer smile, Neal asked, “When do the games begin?”

“Thirteen fifty hours, you’re scheduled to be the last session for today.”

“Why do I get the feeling that the previous session will have ended well before that?”

“Twelve seventy-five. And yours was written in at the last moment, so most of the council will be on their way home for our ‘weekend’ by then.”

Turning to the older guard, Neal smiled as he asked, “Do you remember what I said when you’ve asked me how I get away with some of the things I do?”

Cieila nodded. “You’ve always said that you ‘get by with a little help from your friends’.”

“I know that as guards and gofers for the council you’re not allowed to directly interfere with the council members. But that wouldn’t keep like-minded friends of yours from asking their charges if they are staying for the late session….”

“And when asked, they would then have to explain what late session,” Cieila finished, grinning as shi activated hir communicator.

Not only that, but he has control over all information carried across the galaxy, so nobody can slander him:

Neal softly snorted. “Contrary to popular belief, the FTL connections between the different systems hasn’t always been there. Then there’s that little fact that current communications ties up most of the available bandwidth, so sending a full backup of a large database is still cheaper and easier to ship than to transmit. And, for the first few decades, almost all communications from Chakona were sent through ships like mine, playing mail carrier to places like Chakona used to be. Since my standing orders for the records were to see that they were delivered to at least half a dozen planets as a guarantee that the records would never be lost, I’ve always made an extra copy that I kept isolated in a location that only I knew of….”'' -Tales of the Folly by Allen Fesler

Also, in the story "Maverick" by Allen Fesler, he retains his boring qualities by having a noble reputation all across the galaxy, even when he's supposedly just starting out: ''Maverick’s schedule followed. Tonya looked at Neal before asking, “Why add your name to her message?”

Neal didn’t quite smirk. “Even with the often strained relations between Raksha and Earth, Captain Foster has a reputation of being honorable among some of the Rakshani Houses. My name with Grimleaf's should keep them from reacting too badly. As an added bonus, my name may cause other Houses to offer assistance.”

Tonya nodded as she checked the next of the dozen messages on the chit. They were for some of the businesses on the stations Maverick would be visiting, a letter of introduction from Neal Foster suggesting that since he wouldn’t be making the rounds anymore that they should do business with Maverick. The second chit held data on the stations and businesses Neal had been dealing with, what was shipped and for how much. Tonya turned back to Neal and said, “Torence needs to okay the other messages.”

“That’s why I gave you the extra time,” Neal admitted with a grin as he got up to leave. “Page me when you’re at the relay and I’ll show you how to pay packet injection games on FTL relays.” ''

Other heroes can be boring, too:

''We turned around and ran back the way we had come. We got to the blast door and I immediately grabbed my blade and began cutting through. I was about halfway through when Dimalya let out a low growl. I looked down the left branching corridor and saw another squad of six clones coming toward us. I was about to pull my blade away from the door when Dimalya put hir hand on my shoulder. Shi whispered, “Keep cutting.” Shi took hir blade off my belt, ignited it, and with a determined look on hir face, ran down the corridor toward the clones. Shi got halfway to them before they started shooting, no matter how good clones are they just don’t seem prepared for the kind of speed a ‘taur can produce. Shi lit the other end of hir blade and blocked every shot. They only got off four rounds before shi was among them, hir double blade twirling circular patterns in the air. It was over in less than two seconds. I finished my cut and kicked out the section. I stepped through, Dimalya right behind as another group of clones rounded the corner behind us. They got off a few shots, most didn’t get past the blast door before we ducked around a corner. From here it was just a straight shot to the maintenance room, we broke into a gallop and reached the door just as the clones rounded the first corner and began firing again. '' Even their internal conflicts pose no threat: ''   Fortunately for me, and the rest of the galaxy, my species’ natural instincts took hold before my learned skills. I reared up and brought my left wing around to shield me from their weapons as I took in a deep breath, the air hissing ominously as it passed my teeth. I felt several blasts dissipate on the armor covering the back of my wing, then I dropped forward and bathed the corridor in superheated plasma. Their armor saved them for about a half-second, though I doubt they appreciated it as their bodies boiled before the armor failed and they disappeared in the blaze. The corridor began to deform under the heat. My eyes widened as I realized what had almost happened, what I had almost become. I took a moment to center myself; I am here to protect my family, not to roam the corridors looking for people to kill out of vengeance.

''And we even get foreshadowing of more uninteresting conflicts to come: ''Before I could decipher what had happened I saw a blur of black and brown fur rush out of the examination room and I was bowled over by 380 pounds of ecstatic, bouncy Chakat. All I could think was, thank God for my incredibly resilient exoskeleton.''

And how is this for boring? ''  We flew toward the hangar. Unfortunately, they were ready for us now. Shock and fear filled the cockpit, Wen breathed, “My God...” The hangar was occupied by twenty Assassin Droids. The tall, black, cylindrical headed droids each possessed a huge array of weapons: blasters, flame throwers, grenade launchers, flechette launchers, and sonic stunners, besides being possessed of incredible speed and strength. They were the only class of droid that could fight a Jedi one on one and consistently win. We’ll never be able to beat that many assassins, not without losses... I can’t lose another Jedi... I can’t lose Dimalya... I won’t. ‘Then don’t. You’re right, a Jedi couldn’t beat that many, but you aren’t a Jedi anymore. Remember the Library.’   I listened as Silent spoke, my eyes closed, remembering the power that had come unbidden when we were attacked in the Library. I had tried to realize that power again, afterwards, during our trip but I couldn’t. However, now that I was thinking about it, I could feel it. It was distant, but it was there. Perhaps the strong emotions and concern for my mate is needed to break through the conditioning and control that decades of training with the Jedi created.  (...)    Time slowed as the droid’s weapons began to track me. They fired, everything. Blaster bolts were the first to reach their target, then the flechettes, then a huge explosion as twenty grenades went off, then the area was bathed in napalm. But I was no longer there, even before the blasters had fired, I moved. Before the grenades went off, I was on the other side of the bay and five droids were on the ground. As the survivors turned I realized that I was making this harder than necessary. I reached out with a fraction of the power flowing through me, grabbed each droid’s fusion generator and tore them out of their chests. I crushed the generators together and created a barrier around them as they exploded. Time returned to normal and the gutted droids clattered to the ground. The prototype flew into the bay and landed, before its engines had shut down the knights, Wen, and Doon were out and running toward me. ''-Source: ECLIPSE SAGA By Joe Schoder, from the Chakatheaven Yahoo group